All My Single Ladies
I get it. You’ve made it past your 25th birthday. You either love your job or you’re making more than the average 25 year old so it will do for now. You’ve had your share of heartbreak and you’re wondering how everyone else got so lucky to be in a loving relationship on their way to say their “I do’s” before you. I get it because I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to have your entire life planned out with someone. I understand what it feels like to try and “save” the man you love. I know what it feels like to ignore all of the red flags in hopes they’re just minor bumps in the road. I titled this blog all my single ladies because I want to talk specifically to those who are in this same boat. With all of the weddings and babies we see on social media, sometimes someone just needs to keep it real cause single people are still thriving. I want everyone to understand there’s more to life than going out on date after date just hoping he will be the right one. I am no expert in dating, or relationships but I do know my story. Along with my story comes a lot of trial and error, learning, lessons and blessings. Here’s what I know: As women, when we’re maturing in life and figuring out what we want, I think it’s safe to say we go through different phases until we find “the one”. If you’re open to getting honest and keeping it real, I’ve listed them below:
The savior. You seem to attract the men who need saving. You all of a sudden become certified in mental health counseling and honestly believe you can help them heal from their trauma, their wounds, their baggage, their mess. I hate to break it to you, but YOU CAN’T! As humans, we carry generational trauma and most of the time, it’s trauma we’re unaware of. When things happen to us as children, if not resolved, we go into adulthood with those same thought patterns and internal beliefs about ourselves. What I’m trying to communicate to you, is that someone else’s past is THEIR past. It’s’ not our job, responsibility, or even obligation to help someone heal. I was this girl. I thought I could heal my boyfriend. I thought by showing him love and constantly overcompensating for his past, he would heal and therefore treat me better and somehow I would be rewarded. It doesn’t work like that sis. We are not called into relationship to be saviors. Only those who do the work, move beyond their past.
The hopeless romantic. You watch the bachelor or bachelorette every week. You read all of the Nicholas Sparks books and catch yourself daydreaming about the perfect guy sweeping you off your feet. You base all of your relationships on what you see in the movies. Some may even call you the chameleon because you base your interests off whatever your current boyfriends interests are. I wish I could say this is great and that everything will turn out the way you hope if you continue to think this way but I’d be doing you and even myself a disservice. As an individualist, I too am a hopeless romantic. I catch myself daydreaming all the time. I get caught up in fantasies and forget about reality and the actual hard work that comes along with a relationship. Even worse, somehow being a hopeless romantic causes us to dismiss red flags. We fall in love with IDEAS and POTENTIAL. We don’t necessarily fall in love with people. This can be super dangerous to our own emotional wellbeing because it sets up unrealistic expectations on our partners. It also makes us feel realllyyyy good when they leave to be with someone else and then come back to us. This is everything BUT romance. It’s control. Once they do it once, they know they can do it again. I was stuck in the trap of thinking “he came back to me, or he chose me” for far too long. Don’t be like me!! lol
The sabotager. You’ve introduced your boyfriend to your family. On paper, this guy is everything you’ve ever wanted, he checks off all of the boxes. As soon as things start to get serious however, you find something miniscule to not like and begin to hone in on all of his flaws. You start to think of everything that could go wrong in the relationship instead of focusing on the positive. You also start arguments and constantly bring up “breaking up” to see if they’re in it or if they will let go easily. In the back of your mind, you start playing out scenarios that aren’t real to avoid feeling any real feelings so you can eventually end things with some sort of justification.
The material one. Your idea of a relationship is all for appearance. You want everyone to know you’re taken and taken care of. You value what he can do for you monetarily and not how he can provide for you emotionally. You get caught up in the glam of it all. You ask superficial questions. You’re easily excited about bringing him to the next family bbq or to meet your friends. You plan all of the things you’re going to show off on your IG. You’re constantly going back and forth in your mind whether you’d still want him if he wasn’t successful. This always leaves you feeling like there could be something more. There is!
The Alpha. You’re successful. You’re driven. You’re established. You’re busy. You dismiss anyone who doesn’t have a traditional job. You’re afraid to open up and be soft showing very little to no emotion because that’s what you’ve had to do at work. You want someone who can match you intellectually and financially. The minute he shows emotion you immediately become turned off. You want someone strong so you don’t have to be the strong one all the time. You’ve ended relationships before because you’ve become emotionally invested but you know he can never take care of you and you’re the breadwinner. You miss out on experiences and people because you have placed career, and finances above people and their hearts.
The toxic chaser. You mistake red flags for green ones. You’re attracted to the bad boys, the players. You like to chase them versus letting them chase you. Hint: guys like to be the one doing the chasing! You’re addicted to the high of going in a cyclical pattern of arguing, breaking up, and then making up. You’re not in love with him, you’re in love with the roller coaster he puts you through. You constantly think you’re number one, but you’re just another one on the team.
I don’t know where you fit in out of all of these. I can lay all of this out in detail with you because I’ve had experience with each one. What I’ve come to realize is that the idea we have in our minds as little girls about marriage and love is drastically different than real life. When two people are in a relationship, it’s inevitable they’re both going to bring baggage to the table. This is where the healing comes into play. You may not have your parents fairytale, you may still be single at 30, or you may fall in love at 20 and be married with kids by 25. The best part? We don’t have any control over any of this. Most of the time, we deny Gods blessing, because it hasn’t been delivered and packaged the way WE WANT it to be. I hate to break it to you, but that’s how life works. I’ve said this once and I’ll say it again, It’s about His timing, His will, His way.
When I went through my breakup a couple years ago, I was so angry with God. I was constantly questioning him and why he would even bring someone in my life if he was going to take him away and put me through so much pain. The truth is, God doesn’t put us through pain. He does however place people in our lives. Some are there for a season, some are there for a lifetime. What I know now is that by removing my ex boyfriend, for the fifth and last time good lord, I have grown closer in relationship to Him. I know he has someone perfect who was made just for me. I know he has someone out there who will want to include me. I know he has someone out there who’s actions will speak so loudly, I won’t have to question a thing. All of those questions we ask and the constant confusion is not how it’s supposed to be. I don’t know who needs to hear this but, the right man won’t leave you guessing. Mixed signals is a no. No effort is a no.
If you’re single and you’re reading this, please understand it’s going to happen when it’s suppose to happen, most of the time when we least expect it. Embrace being single, being able to travel when you want, and making moves for you. Embrace getting to know yourself and what you truly want out of life. Be happy for others, our time will come.