How to be a Champ…Post Heartbreak
This was not something I ever thought I’d be writing for the world to read. Okay maybe not the whole world but definitely people outside of my circle. This post is hard to write and I’ve been avoiding it. I finally decided to write about it because of the countless conversations I've had with people who have been through the exact same thing I have. Maybe not down to the very detail but everyone goes through heartbreak at some point in their life. I promise to not disclose names… or even get into that much detail. I will simply just share my story….
I never dated in high school. I was never asked to prom. I never went on an actual date. I didn’t experience having a high school sweetheart. I was an athlete at the club level and also in high school. When I wasn’t playing soccer or basketball, I was studying. I never ate with other kids in my class during lunch, ESPECIALLY if my best friend wasn’t there to eat with me. I would go to my teachers class rooms and visit with them instead lol. Old soul or nerd? Probably both!! When I wasn’t doing that, my dad would come and pick me up during lunch so that we could eat together. This was before I had my own car. As soon as I got my car, I would leave school during lunch and off hours and just go home. I tell you this because a lot of people for some reason don’t believe me when I tell them I was NEVER “the popular” kid.
I chose to go to KU because it was always a dream of mine. I wanted to go to their med school and I had family in Kansas so it felt like home. I was so blessed that my best friend also decided to go with me. I honestly don’t know how I would have done it without her those first two years. On our FIRST night of being on campus, we went to a freshman orientation party. We didn’t know anybody but figured it might be fun! We met two other girls there that became our best friends for the next few years. People started calling us “The Golden Girls” around campus. We were kind of a big deal haha. That same night, we met a player on the football team who invited us to another party. It was at that party, specifically The Cave nightclub where I met my first love. I was immediately impressed that he came up to a group of 4 girls all by himself. I didn’t think he would want to talk to me because I wasn’t use to any guy ever talking to me. But he did. I reluctantly got his number only because I thought it would be good to know somebody else on campus. Also, my momma always taught me not to give your number out.
It would be two weeks before we talked again. I got really sick and honestly was not thinking about boys. One day at the student union, I ran into him and another guy while buying my books and I was looking a hot mess! He stopped me to talk to me and the rest is history. Kind of.
Keep in mind, this was my first boyfriend, the first guy I ever dated, the first guy I ever “loved”. It was all new to me. I honestly believe the first year maybe even the second it was real love. The following years however, I ignored red flag after red flag. I started justifying being treated poorly. I started justifying not being treated like a queen…mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. I became super codependent on him. I latched onto his every move. I molded myself into him. I thought that’s what love was. It would be another 5 years of this before I had my breaking point.
We had been going in circles off and on for those 5 years. Living apart in different states but for some reason still holding onto each other. From what I know now, it was complete codependency on both parts. It all came to a crashing end (the drama) when I found out he had truly moved on. Again, I won’t go into details but let’s just say true character shows up when you’re backed into a corner and his did! I was shattered. I remember driving to my moms job and calling her to come to the parking lot. I sat in the car not even thinking I was capable of going into work. I remember her words “I know it hurts now, but a year from now, I promise you things will be better”. Sheesh was she right! For the next month I will admit I stalked his IG page. I analyzed literally everything. I questioned my worth. “Did I ever mean anything to him?” “Why wasn’t I good enough?” “What did I do wrong?” “How could I be so stupid?” “Did he really mean all of those hurtful things he said?”. I toyed between wanting revenge and just wanting him to be at peace. I’m sure you’ve asked yourself some of those exact same questions and have had some of those exact same thoughts.
Here are the lessons! Thank God there’s always a lesson!
You have to love yourself first. I didn’t realize I didn’t love myself until I allowed someone to have so much control over my life. I didn’t realize that lack of self love and self worth will force you into settling for somebody who only has their best interest in mind. I also don’t believe he truly loved himself or he wouldn’t have treated me the way he did. Self love right now is a buzzword. Maybe it’s because so many of us coast through life without dealing with internal battles and it takes a toxic relationship ending for us to wake up. Do yourself a favor and wake up first. Heal the inner parts of you that were broken before the relationship. You may be carrying trauma from your parents and not even realize it. Trauma can be passed down up to 7 generations!! I was carrying trauma from before birth from my mom as a result of her grieving the loss of her mom while she was pregnant with me. The feelings of abandonment were real.
Heartbreak is like a death. Allow yourself to grieve losing that person. You’ll still think about them and even wonder what they’re doing occasionally. Over time however, they start to fade and your time with them feels like lifetimes ago. A good friend of mine always says “An ex is like an old best friend you use to have…like in elementary school. You think about them, but there’s not a lot of feeling there.” This is the same friend that told me just a few days after all of this that I looked like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. She even said I was glowing. Ironic isn’t it? I was hurting inside but it was a hurt from being set free. Not burdened anymore by someone else’s traumas, generational curses, hurts, insecurities. I was free.
Is the person you’re with on the same street as you? I LOVE this analogy. My pastor explained it to me like this: You’ll know you’ve found the right person when you look across the street and they’re standing right next to you. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. You’re equal. They’re not one block ahead of you. They’re not one block behind you, and they’re DEFINITELY not on a different street like the situationship I was in. Yep, I said it…situationship. People didn’t even know we were dating! That’s how you know y’all aren’t even in the same city let alone the same street. When you’re in a healthy relationship, you may have strengths that the other doesn’t have but you’re pulling each other not only closer to God but to be better versions of yourselves. You’re completing the triangle. God at the top, the two of you coming together to complete the triangle.
There are soooo many other fish in the sea!! I use to think this person was the end all be all. I was wrong on so many levels. Love is blind guys lol. He was not made for me and I was not made for him. But the right one is out there. They will treat you like a queen or king. They will make you better. They will protect you. They will allow you to be vulnerable and not use it against you. They will be a safe place. They will bring you closer to God. They will RESPECT you. They will support your dreams and visions. They will include you. They will know where they’re going and that they want you to come along for the ride. Do not get in the car if they don’t know where they’re going. At the same time, be open to receiving allll of it. Be open to being treated the right way. Never settle. “We have to set our past on fire to receive a future awaiting us.” -Erwin McManus
Get your revenge body. I know this may sound vain but hear me out! Being set free brought back my passion for working out. When you feel good, you look good. When you look good, you do good. Isn’t that how the saying goes? Regardless of the reason, getting in the gym and working on your body yields benefits far beyond the physical. Moving my body everyday has given me better resilience, more confidence, more endorphins being released and overall clarity. Working towards a revenge body will teach you discipline, and give you a fighter mentality. This is the ultimate form of self care. Take care of you!
Finally, always, and I mean ALWAYS remember YOU’RE A CHAMP! The day all of this happened, I called my dad. Before driving to see my mom because honestly I needed to tell somebody. As I was on the phone with him, I was laying on my bathroom floor. Dramatic I know. Keep in mind this was someone I trusted. Someone I gave my all to for 7 years. My heart felt like it was in my stomach. I couldn’t see beyond the present. It felt like I was kicked in the stomach repeatedly and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt betrayed. Embarrassed. Desperate. Confused as to how I got so lost. I remember exactly what my dad told me that day. He doesn’t know I was on the bathroom floor. I don’t think anybody does until they read this. He told me to look in the mirror and tell myself repeatedly out loud “I am a champ!” along with some other explicits that we won’t say here. I felt everything BUT like a champ that day. But I did it. I pulled myself up. I looked myself in the mirror and with tears streaming down my face I told myself “I am a champ!”. I repeated it over and over again. Soon enough, I started to believe it.
I hope you know, you’re a champ too! Maybe you’ve never dealt with heartbreak or maybe you have. But please know that no man or woman will ever define you. You were created in the image of God. You’re the daughter or son of The King, therefore you’re Royalty.
Heartbreak is temporary. It sucks. It hurts. It takes time to heal. If someone wants to walk away, let them. It will feel like a part of you is walking away, along with all of your plans, hopes and dreams. I promise you its not the end, quite the contrary. You are being set free to experience love and life beyond what you ever imagined. I can’t even begin to express how blessed and enriching your life will be once you let go and heal, the doors that will open for you and the lessons you will learn along the way.
You’re a champ!
