My Spiritual Testimony
My “word” for 2023 was hungry. You know THE word you feel guilty about if you don’t choose one at the beginning of the new year. At the time I thought it was hunger for opportunity, hunger for monetary gains and Worldly things. I even boasted about it on my social media and told everyone how to make 2023 “their year”; as if I had my entire life figured out.
I soon found out that my hunger for those things would crumble and shift into a hunger to know God. I thought I knew Him. I thought I knew how to listen for His voice. On the contrary, I was merely believing in Him but not seeking Him. I put people on pedestals to then be surprised when they let me down, forgetting our frailty as humans. I sought other people, but I didn’t seek a relationship with my creator.
The hunger for external validation quickly manifested into hunger to truly know Him more. To seek Him more. It’s truly hard to explain but imagine a dark tunnel with no visible way out. Old mechanisms to escape simply didn't work. The only way out, was to surrender and listen to His voice. I think so often we wait for God to open doors when we haven’t even knocked on them. I had been waiting for so long, but I was never knocking. It’s only a limit when you decide that’s how far you can go and I was putting limitations on myself, yet here I was the promoter of all things limitless.
Proverbs 3:6
Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.
So this year, yes, I was hungry. But I had no idea what I was in for. I had never met anyone who had gone through a spiritual death before. I heard the term but it seemed so far out and dramatic. Until it happened to me. The literal crushing, shattering and death of my spirit. A dark night of the soul. It was the darkest period I’ve ever been in. Nothing made sense. I questioned everything. And I felt isolated. It was almost as if I was purging everything I thought I knew. When I thought I couldn’t cry anymore, the tears would come out of nowhere. They still do today. It was a constant smashing of my ego, false beliefs and my own selfish desires. My emotional rock bottom.
So I started to knock. Merely crawling, I pursued the Lord. I was finally starting to understand what it means to crave time with Him. I started daily walks where I would literally talk to Him out loud. Every night, I would fill up pages of a journal thanking Him for what I DID I have. I started to study scriptures, read new books and implemented a true spiritual practice. I was hungry. I understand now what it means to actually live with the spirit IN me. Things started to happen to me that I can’t explain. Dreams, situations, and gifts started to develop and started to bombard me on the daily. I thought I knew my purpose until He radically changed my life and ruined me for the ordinary.
Proverbs 15:14
A wise person is hungry for knowledge, while the fool feeds on trash.
Life will happen to you unexpectedly. You will think you have it all planned out until God quickly reveals that you don’t. Not only do you not have it planned out, you’re not even in control. You’re basically just here for the ride and the only choice you have is to surrender. To let go. To let Him lead, carry, and show you the way. That takes a huge amount of faith. Something I was truly lacking despite how it appeared looking in from the outside.
So my question for you is this, will you settle for what you can do? Or will you step into what He called you to do and who you are to become?
It will be messy. You will lose people. Your life won’t make sense….until it does. People won’t understand what you’re going through. You will begin to wake up. You’ll begin to shift out of the matrix if you will. You’ll be forced to leave the old you behind. You’ll be met with a desire to truly serve.
But know this, what you’re stepping into and who you’re becoming, was all part of the plan all along.
Proverbs 16:24
Kind words are like honey-
Sweet to the soul and healthy for the body
I started my blog based on the principle of this verse. I just wanted to help people. I knew my writing was impactful and I often felt I could communicate better when my words were written vs verbally spoken. I strayed away from this. I strayed away from my purpose and it was in plain sight. God could have given up on me one million times for straying, for believing but not seeking. But He continued to chase me down. When I finally surrendered, my purpose started to unfold naturally. Yes, I still have to knock on doors, but He’s always waiting to open them up. He’s waiting for you too.