Having Faith During the Waiting
Lately, I have been drawn to reading more about the women in the bible. I know, this isn’t my typical blog post, but keep reading. Typically I only get this vulnerable when I feel someone else needs the message. I’ve been sitting on writing this for weeks now. I saw a video of a young woman who was instructed to go read the book of Ruth in the bible. It’s a short book. I’ve read it before but thought I would give myself a refresh. I feel as though God speaks to us always at the right time when we need it most, so I took seeing this tik tok video as a sign to go read the book of Ruth. The next quiet time I had, I sat down with my coffee and did just that.
You probably think I’m going to tell you all about what happens in Ruth and what I learned and what I took from it. I was even surprised myself when nothing “new” stood out to me. I have never really studied the bible until the past few months. I will admit, as eager as I was to find some hidden truth, I was disappointed when nothing was jumping off of the pages. I had my highlighters ready to go and I got nothin!! After finishing the chapter, I placed my bookmark in the next book in my bible and went about my day. A few days went by and I was having an emotional moment to say the least. I can’t say that I was angry with God, but I was definitely questioning Him. I know that’s not much better than being angry but I just couldn’t wrap my head around what was/is currently happening in my life. I thought I had been faithful. I thought I was getting my fairytale. I thought I was headed to my forever. I thought my life would look totally different than where it is. It’s like being on a path and you feel so certain; all for it to abruptly end. How could I get it so wrong? You go from feeling confident about your direction, to questioning literally everything including things you’ve desired your entire life; like marriage and motherhood.
When I was a little girl, all of my teachers would tell my parents how I was the “mom” of the class. I am a natural nurturer and while I’ve never been sure about my career, or my path in life, the one thing I always KNEW, was that I was created to be a wife and a mom. I didn’t know why I felt so strongly about it. I just knew. So as you can imagine, when my so called fairytale ended, I was shattered. Here I am single for the first time in almost 3 years, questioning my entire life, and having to start over when I never imagined having to do so. I fell into victim mode and told myself, maybe marriage and motherhood just aren’t in the cards for me (plays tiny violin).
Feeling confused and overwhelmed with my own thoughts, I opened up my bible where I had left my bookmark and told myself to read and maybe I would find comfort in the scriptures to follow. I opened up my bookmark to 1 Samuel and immediately starting to read Hannah’s story. Hannah had a husband, but she didn’t have the one thing her heart desired most; a child. “Hannah was deep in anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord.” She would pray and pray and even made a promise to God that if He gave her a son, she would dedicate him back to the Lord. Finally, her prayer is answered and she gives birth to Samuel after years and years of pleading and being unable to conceive. Fulfilling her promise, she then dedicates her son back to the Lord. God then gives her more children because of her faithfulness during her waiting season.
…the Lord remembered her plea, and in due time she gave birth to son. She named him Samuel, *for she said, “I asked the Lord for him.” 1 Samuel 1:20
Hannah’s son Samuel goes onto to be a prophet and teaches us to obey the Lord and to be faithful in all that we do. He was one of the greatest leaders in all of Israel. Immediately after reading, I felt a peace come over me that I can’t explain. All of the questioning I had, gone. All of the sad tears, gone. I honestly laughed and can only imagine God saying “Relax, Olivia. Everything you desire is on it’s way! Everything you want, wants you in return”.
So often we think that because one door closes, that we won’t be given another door. We think “no” means no forever instead of just “not yet”. I know people may laugh when I say I’m 30 and I thought my life would look vastly different than how it looks now. I know I’m young. I know I have time. I know the “no” just means not yet. But I have to remind myself often that feelings aren’t facts. I have to remind myself that my emotion doesn’t get the final say so. I have to remind myself that my thoughts I create in my head can often lead to self sabotage. If you’re anything like me, maybe you need to hear that “no” doesn’t mean no forever. Maybe you need to hear that instead of questioning God, you need to thank Him. God will never place desires in our hearts that aren’t a part of His plan. His plan is perfect. Maybe, just maybe the very thing we need to work on before those dreams come true, is our obedience during the '“not yet” season.
Tell yourself this: This time, I will thank God. This time is different; I will make God bigger than my circumstance. This time, while I am still waiting to be loved, cherished, valued, noticed, I won’t forget about the one who loves me most. I won’t forget that He knows every desire of my heart, because He placed it there. I won’t forget that His heart breaks for what breaks ours. I won’t forget that He’s counted every tear. This time, the resistance in life I feel is going to make me stronger. This time, I am enjoying my life-not in spite of but because of the resistance. This time, in the midst of the waiting, I will still remain faithful.